Characters:
Aliens: Jake - The leader of the bunch. Kinda serious but likes to have fun. Kathy - A bimbo cheerleader type. Is young and naive. Julie - Sarcastic, and arrogant. Think butch.
Human: John - A pimply faced, horny high school student.
Story:
Jake: My name is Jake, I am an alien. But before you stick your nose in the air or laugh at what you think is impossible, hear me out. My people call themselves the Bendettie. We are a nomadic race with interesting abilities. The Bendettie can at will pass through solid matter or turn invisible to the naked eye. We came to Earth around 2000 years ago on a pilgrimage. Here on Earth we have chosen to roam among the cultures and help people out. As per our custom we never take credit for our altruistic acts, to do so would violate our core beliefs. But just because we help people doesn’t mean we can’t have fun. Also, we aren’t pansies like those touched by an angel bleeding hearts. I have killed many men, we have nothing in our culture like your emotion of guilt. But the story I have for you today has none of that in it. Rather this time we saved a man from impending death…….
Kathy: (Said with too much energy) So who do we get to help out this time crew? Huh? huh?
Julie: Kathy, do you ever stop being so damn cheerful? Could you just kinda chill?
Kathy: But I am happy that we are going to do a mission. It makes me feel all warm inside.. Mmmmm Mmmmm Mmmmmmmmm.
Julie: Yeah, whatever. Jake who is the bozo human we are going to save from himself this time?
Kathy: You don’t like helping Julie? You know what the elders say about that attitude…
Julie: Its not that I don’t like helping, its just that I realize, unlike some people, that without us the humans would have all died out centuries ago.
Jake: Girls, we have some important things to go over right now. Stop your bickering. We are here to save this boy (SFX: Slide projector fan, and then a click like the slide is changing). His name is John Summersby. The prophets have foreseen an impending death and we are to keep it from happening.
Julie: What a dork, are the prophets sure he is worth saving? I mean look at all those zits.
Kathy: Remember what the elders say, “There is no person who does not deserve…”… (Cut off by Julie)
Julie: (Cuts off Kathy) Spare me the lecture. So what is our reasoning Jake?
Jake: Well the prophets are not sure on the specifics, but it looks like, after his saving, he will start a great empire that will make many people happy.
Kathy: (Sarcastically) He will make people happy, that is soooo great.
Julie: (To herself) How did I end up with her…
Jake: In the spirit of creative methods of performing altruism, I have come up with a plan that will both save John and perpetuate a human urban myth.
Kathy: You mean the one about the guy who straps a rocket to his car and goes to the moon.
Julie: Yeah, genius thats the exact one.
Jake: No Kathy, I am referring to the the legend of the disappearing hitchhiker.
Kathy: Can I be the hitchhiker, please can I?
Julie: Sure you can…(to herself) lets hope he is not a very good driver..
Jake: Yes Kathy, I had planned on you being the hitchhiker. You are after all the… sorry to say this Julie… most attractive one in the group.
Julie: Hey! (Surprised resentment)
Jake: Julie and I will play your parents..
Julie: Hey! (Surprised resentment again)
Kathy: Oh boy, oh boy.
Julie: Oh brother…
<SFX: Sound of car radio: Something you can sing along with, something eighties. John is signing along with it, badly.>
John: Born in the USA… (Or whatever the chorus is..)
John: (To himself) Wow, I sure am glad dad is getting home tomorrow. I can’t believe he has been gone twelve years. Hiring that private investigator to find dad will be the best present mom has ever had for her birthday. What the f*** <SFX: Radio is turned down, sound of car rolling on gravel> Hey do you need a ride?
Kathy: I sure do! I went to this killer party and my ride left me.
John: Oh well, no problem, hop in. <SFX of car leaving gravel> So where do you need to go?
Kathy: I live in San Rosetta, you going close to there?
John: Yeah, in fact I live there.
Kathy: Wow, weird coincidence.
John: I haven’t seen you around school, you don’t go to San Rosetta High?
Kathy: Nah, I go to a private school, you probably never heard of it.
John: Well yeah, I am pretty new to the area. Mom and I just moved from Arizona. Say are you a cheerleader?
Kathy: Huh, why do you ask?
John: (Nervously) Because you have big.. umm a big.. umm smile.
Kathy: Yeah I love smiling, I think everyone should smile all the time.
John: (Nervously) Yeah me too, I like smiling, in fact it is my favorite thing to do.
Kathy: (In a peppy sort of way with the inflection growing as it is said) Are you serious?
John: Uh… yeah.. I’m dead serious.
Kathy: Wow..(pause like reflecting) I thought all humans had given up smiling..
John: Yeah it uh.. seems that way sometimes..
Kathy: You mind if I change my shirt? I got some beer spilled on it at the party.
John: (Trying to hide his excitement) Wow.. Sure go ahead, i’m cool.
Kathy: Thanks, your a dear.
John: (To himself) Oh my god, oh my god.
Kathy: Oh we are almost there, just make a left on Washington. Its the first house on the right off of Del Mar.
John: Oh I see it now..(pause) This one it?
Kathy: Yeah thats it. Thanks for the ride home. (Door opens, door slams).
John: Boy, those were the biggest.. The guys in the chess club are never going to believe this.. Oh wait, she left the shirt she took off.. Boy was that a good sight.. <SFX: Door open, door slam. Footsteps on pavement. Doorbell ring. Door opens>
Jake: What do you want?
Julie: Dear who is it?
John: Uh, sir, ma’am, I just brought your daughter home and she left this in the car.
Jake: Our daughter? What kinda trouble you trying to start boy.
Julie: Dear, Kathy died three years ago while trying to hitchhike home. A sleepy truck driver dozed off and hit her as she stood on the side of the road.
John: What? But she was right here.. I saw her. Oh sh** the seat buckle is still buckled in.. This is too weird, I am out of here. <SFX: Car door slam, tires squealing. Front door slams.>
<Jake, Julie and Kathy burst out laughing.>
Julie: Did you see the look on his face? He was pale white when I told him that.
Jake: Yeah, and the way he peeled out of here, that is classic.
Kathy: You should have seen the way he looked when I took of my shirt.
Jake and Julie: (Said slowly and deliberately) You took off your shirt?
Kathy: Yeah I had to change into an extra I brought with me. I got mud on the one I was wearing while I was waiting by the side of the road.
Julie: You got mud on your shirt, it has not rained in weeks. I won’t even ask.
<SFX: You’ve got mail>
Jake: Guys, its the prophets. They say good work, we have kept him from being killed. It seems his dad, who left him and his mother twelve years ago, was going to return and find his wif in bed with another man. The father had been drinking all night and in a rage he would have killed the mom, her lover and John. Thanks to us John will have missed that entire violent episode. Only a couple people are dead now instead of several.
Kathy: Yippie. We have saved a future great leader.
Julie: Does it say what happens to him later?
Jake: Yeah it says that he turns out to become one of the biggest porn distributors on the planet..
Jake and Julie: Kathy! <All laugh>
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