by James McDuffie, Shamus Complexus, Ian Fringe, Mr. Yuk and the other voices screaming in my head.
It always happens like this, doesn’t it? Why am I doomed with this remarkable foresight into someone’s heart? Poe was correct about the insane having hyper-senses, but I have something much more, the ability to know the human heart. But, it is not as dandy as it may seem. You can deny what your think you see all you want, but it is no good, what you see is the truth. I made an attempt, gave a lot of effort, but then saw the end in her face. No matter how I try I always destroy it. Maybe I am just too pushy when it comes to emotions. I push, they fall back. And I am left standing there after they have fled. I sometimes wonder what it is about me that is so vile to cause a human’s stomach to turn. I see in myself a lot of good and some bad. This is how we all are, is it not? We are a remarkable blend of the intricacies of human nature, some leaning one way or another. I try to lean towards that which is good. I admit that I have many flaws, but when I look inside I see a noble person. Maybe, just maybe, my mirror is curved.
I love too easily. There, I have finally admitted it to myself. I gather up all my latently suppressed emotions and focus them on one person. I have many friends, but just like a beggar, I ask for more. I want to love and be loved. I know I am loved by many but this is not the kind of love I long for. The love I want is of an indescribable form. It is the kind of feeling where you want to merge your soul with another person’s. I want a girl that I can spend all my time with and have her enjoy my company as much as I enjoy her’s. I may never find this kind of ability in a person. Such is my life, a dreary need gone unfulfilled. Often, I think I have found her, but end up learning my presence is intolerable. Such is this world.
What I have now is not what I want. I do not want to spend my life as another number. I do not want to punch numbers, extend my hand and smile every month. No, I want to live on my own accord. I want to wander from place to place learning about people and the world around me. I do not want to be pressured by time constraints. I have my own pace and I do not want anybody to hurry me up. Instead of living a life of dread, I want to live one of learning, exploring and searching for that unobtainable never-ending love.
I see it in the movies, a love beyond words, beyond understanding. Does it really exist? I do not know, but I will try and find it, no matter what the price. I will try, because even a glimpse of this object can fill your world for eternity. I have tried to find this love with "them", but they share not my vision. Unfortunately, no one understands. Let me try and explain it further. This love exists more than on a physical level, it goes to the spiritual realm and then transcends even that. It is total understanding. It is unrefutable trust. It is endless communication and openness. The best way to describe it is as if you and the other person form one person, an entity from two bodies, one soul formed from a mixing of spirits. A love that is hard to explain unless you feel and know that which you seek.
It is always easy to feel these things when you are an outsider. I grew up alone, I do not resent that fact, what was, is what was. But in this type of way I saw things from a perspective unshared by my peers. I was considered different and could not understand why they taunted me. I thought of different things and in different manners. We all have the same basic feelings, goals and ideas. I am no different than anyone else, I am as set in biology as you. On top of these biological constants, I developed other thoughts and manners. My world was fully of information from the Internet, books, television and movies. I learned about the world at an early age, about what it is and was. I had always thought about the supposed her and what it would be like to have one who had undying love. Love needs no reasons, it exists without them, and it does not conform to popular notions. This is what I grew to believe, an idea formulated and discovered on my own.
But there is no joy in Mudville, mighty James has struck out. You step up to the plate expecting a home run, but then your arrogance kills you. After awhile you feel like giving up, retiring from the game. But I am a life time player. I do not care how low my batting average gets. I am going to go up to the plate and try, oh God I will try to send that little white ball flying, flying so hard that Lady Liberty herself will have to catch it. And when I do hit it, there is going to be happiness, never ending happiness. The game will not be televised and will be witnessed by few, but it will be the best game of eternity. God himself will have my rookie card. But until then fate, chaos or whatever is not allowing me to hit.
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