Characters: Auditioner - A ordinarily mild mannered man who gets fed up with his job due to those he has to work with Contestant 1 - Pimply faced geek who has read one too many sci-fi stories Contestant 2 - Redneck who gets a little too excited over monster truck rallies Contestant 3 - A man aspiring to be a stand up comedian but with a poor sense of humor Random woman - Simply here to exclaim the severity of Contestant 3′s lack of a sense of humor Contestant 4 - A slightly neurotic and introverted person Contestant 5 - Christopher in Podunk, SC
Narrator: In an effort to squeeze even more money out of an old idea, “The Network” (with emphasis) decided to do yet another version of “The Twilight Zone.” Some of you may remember the remake entitled originally enough “The New Twilight Zone.” In an effort to be even more original the network has decided to call this series, “The New New Twilight Zone.” In order to “recapture” (said sarcastically) the magic of the opening to the original series, the studio is holding an open call for auditions. Auditioners are told to try and create their own Rod Serlingesque opener.
Auditioneer: Alright folks, the idea here is to see if one of you has that same magic that Rod Serling had whenever he opened the show. You all should have received a number, if you haven’t go see Kelly over there. This number is so your name will not be known to the judges and there for no bias will be presented. Number one would you please come up to the mic? Begin when your ready.
Contestant 1: Uh, um, okay, here I go. (pause)(deepens voice) Imagine if you will a lone spaceship cruising through the mysterious depths of the Ahmedian Asteroid belt. The fateful starship perilously shimmies and shammies and then is confronted by a giant robot monster with four arms. The robot (talks faster and faster) monster swings its arms and then the spaceship blasts off one arm (make blasting noise w/ mouth) and then the monster swings and hits the spaceship (make a crashing sound) and then it fires back and the monster starts to glow and th….
Auditioneer: Thank you (loud and rudely) that is enough.
Contestant 1: (In a pouting manner) But, I didn’t even get to say “in the Twilight Zone”! That’s my favorite part!
Auditioneer: Thank you (even louder) Contestant #2 please approach the mike and begin when your ready.
Contestant 2: (clears throat) Imagine if you will (small pause, then speak in a voice typical of one announcing a monster truck pull, voice also louder) the biggest assemblage of monster trucks in the nation this year. We have the Under Taker, Big Foot, all Sunday, Sunday, Sunday (emphasize “Sun” part like in monster truck ads) at the Memorial Coluseium off route 67 (small pause, voice slows and quiets to normal) in the Twilight Zone.
Auditioneer: Sir, do you have any idea about what you are auditioning for? Have you even seen an episode of the Twilight Zone?
Contestant 2: Hell, I thought this was a new show. The sign outside the building did say “The New New Twilight Zone.” That little fellar that went before me told me all I had to do is say “Imagine if you will” before I start and “in the Twilight Zone” after what I say.
Auditoneer: (Tiredly) Great, glad to see that the marketing department targeted the correct audience again… Alright.. (tiredly) next contestant you know what to do.
Contestant 3: (Talking like a stand up comedian) Glad to be here tonight. So… I had a hard time getting here tonight. I was stuck for four hours on a plane. Have you ever noticed this, the instant that fate decides that your plane will be delayed, with you already on board, a baby starts to cry. (SFX: CANNED LAUGHTER) (Making point clear by emphasizing each syllable) And you don’t realize this till four hours later. (SFX: CANNED LAUGHTER) So what I did was get up, walk to the woman with the baby and take the baby from the woman and strangle it. (Not stopping, continue to next line)
Random Woman: Oh my god…(hushed sorrowful voice)
Contestant 3: (making choking movement so voice is affected by doing this) And I choked it like this until its little face turned blue. Then I sma….(cut off by auditioneer)
Auditioneer: What the fu…(yelling) SECURITY! (SFX: MUFFLED SOUNDS OF SOMEONE BEING ASSAULTED RIGHT AFTER CONTESTANT 3 EXCLAIMS: “Hey”!) What is wrong with you people? What part of Twilight Zone Auditions do you people not understand. (Angryly) Next!
Contestant 3 1/2: (In German) Lets see… What can I say that the audience will not understand… Well let me start by saying that you are all dumb people to come to this show. This show is really stupid and you are wasting your time here. You could be out enjoying life instead of coming here and wasting your time listening to boring people make bad jokes. Now I will say things that sound German but are not. Frankfurter, Likensmaken, Klakosplako. (Chuckles) If you thought that was real German then you are even stupider than you look. I will have fun watching each of you die. Ah.. what is the use, you do not understand me anyways. I am out of here. Twilight Zone.
Auditioneer: I don’t know what he said but we might have a possible candidate for the posistion, at least for the German version. Kelly give this man an application to fill out. Whew, I thought we would have idiots all day. I now feel at ease with the world and peaceful. (Calmly) Next please.
Contestant 3 1/3: (In a cartoon voice or clown like voice) Prepare to enter another dimension, a dimension void of sight and sound. A dimension where time has no meaning. (Cartoon laugh) A dimension where all the boys and girls can play together, Whoopie!!
Auditioneer: Uh sir, that makes no sense. How can they play if there is no way to see each other.
Constestant 3 1/3: (Still in cartoon voice) Well they all love each other and thats all anyone needs. Isn’t that right boys and girls? (Silence) Well Im glad you agree.
Auditioneer: Sir you need some serious help.
Contestant 3 1/3: (Still a cartoon voice) You can help me by being my friend and coming with me to the magical never never land.
Auditioneer: Uh, sir could you please leave now?
Contestant 3 1/3: What you need is some fairy dust. (Blows into mic)
Audtioneer: (Angerilly) What is this stuff. Dammit, its in my eyes. It stings really bad. (Yelling) GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE.
Contestant 3 1/3: My job of love is done. Goodbye all. <SFX: Magical gnome sound, AKA Chimes or whistling).
Auditioneer: Where the hell did that wierd dude go.. (Slightly angry) Alright NEXT!
Contestant 4: My puppet Jessie and me have been together for three long…(cut off by auditioneer)
Auditioneer: NEXT! (even more angryly)
Contestant 5: (brief pause, then with feeling) I love my coozie.
Auditioneer: (SFX: PAPERS BEING THROWN IN THE AIR THEN FALLING, PERFERABLY POSTCARDS) (Loudly) Thats it! I can’t take this any more. I am out of here! (SFX: DOOR SLAMMING)