by James McDuffie
6–14–2000
Characters:
- Stan
- Matt Wesolowski - MW
- Spectral Actor
- Kind Bud
- Phyllis Applebee
- Adam
(In the background music plays like from a radio. Song: They Might Be Giants - Alienation’s For The Rich)
Stan: What the hell am I going write? Adam gave me till noon tomorrow to come up with a script, or else he is going to fire my ass. How am I supposed to come up with an original idea? It has been months since I had an original thought. If only there were some way to alter my… (Trailing off). I almost forgot about the pot Adam hooked me up with. He said it would expand my mind. He smokes up every day, and look at all the funny skits he has created. Lets see… How do we do this… Uh, I guess I should just roll it like a cigarette.. Here we go, not too much, but not too little.
(SFX: Lighter being struck twice) (SFX: Inhailing)
Stan: Okay.. (SFX: Inhailing) Now I wonder how long it takes for this to go into effect. (SFX: Two inhales) Hmm.. tastes kinda funny. (SFX: Three inhales) Mmmm…. kinda good. (SFX: Four inhales) All gone, but hey I am not seeing wierd shapes or anything. I guess the only way to get high off this stuff is via a psychosomatic response… Why are my shoulders sore? And my head feels kinda.. What was I thinking? I forget. I think I was thinking about how this stuff is just a joke.. Oh well, it was worth a try. Now back to trying to come up with a funny script.
(Normal outloud talking)
Matt: Hi, Matt Wesolowski here for Creative Thought Enterprises.
Stan: What the f… How did you get in here?
Matt: As someone deeply involved in the beatnic poetry movement I know how important creativity is to young writers. So here at CTE we offer a full line of creativity inducing articles. Would you care to hear more?
Stan: But I freaking locked the door. How did you get in here Matt? Weren’t you and Adam going to go to the monster truck show?
Matt: Sure, I will be more than happy to explain our product line. First off is the Thought Reflector DX-200. Utilizing high tensile aluminum foil this helmet reflects your brain waves back where they belong, in your head. Its also great to keep those aliens from reading your thoughts.
Stan: Uh, hello, can you hear me. (SFX: Tapping on a person’s head) (Raising voice) Any one in there?
Matt: Our next product is dirt.
Stan: (Interrupting) Dirt? Matt, are you sure your okay.
Matt: You may be asking yourself, how does dirt increase my creativity.
Stan: Uh yeah..
Matt: Well it doesn’t. We just sell it to you and you think it does. Just like all of our great products here at CTE.
Stan: Look, why would you tell your customer that your products do not really work. Im thirsty, im going to go get myself something to drink. When I come back I want you to stop talking crazy.
(SFX: Footsteps, cupboard open, glasses rattling, water being poured, footsteps).
Stan: Alright Matt, have you come to your… Where they hell did that bastard go? Oh well, he was acting wierd anyways. Wait, why am I talking to myself?
(Inside voice)
Stan: That’s better. Nothing crazier than talking to yourself. People that talk to themselves should be beat up. (Chuckle) Yeah, that would teach them. Now where was I, ahh yes I was.. drinking this because I am thristy. No wait there was something else. What is this paper here on the desk.. Oh! I was trying to write a script. (Chuckles) I could always use that joke I came up with earlier, I just need two characters..
Spiritual Actor: Like me?
(Outside voice)
Stan: Like wha?
Spiritual Actor: I can help you out with your joke!
Stan: Alright, lets see if I can get this right. Okay, here we go…
Spiritual Actor: I’m ready!
Stan: Hey, hold on to your horses. Okay. So in my spare time I model underwear for Calvin Klein.
Spiritual Actor: Oh thats just terrific.
Stan: No dumb ass your supposed to say: "Oh really? What magazines have your ads appeared in?"
Spiritual Actor: Oh really? What magazines have your ads appeared in?
Stan: Magazines? Ads? No, I model the underwear for Calvin Klein.
Spiritual Actor: I don’t get it. I am going home now…
Stan: Hey don’t you fade away on me you little sh… Damn lousy ghost, they never get your jokes and they always jet out on you in a hurry.
(Inside voice)
Stan: There I go again, talking to myself. Well thats just crazy. Why am I still thirsty? (SFX: Water pouring, person gulping water) (Outside voice: Yelling) What is this paper doing on my desk.. (Quieter) Oh I was writing a script. Why do I keep forgetting that? Now.. where was I.
Matt: (In the distance) And I choked it like this until its little face turned blue.
(Outside voice)
Stan: What was that? Who’s there. If it’s you ghost, your not getting any of my marshmellows.
Kind Bud: Joint.
Stan: (Startled) Damn, you’re right, you are a giant freaking joint.
Kind Bud: Joint.
Stan: What do you want from me? First Matt, then that damn ghost, now a freaking large joint is here. Well you know what buddy? Your full of it, you don’t work.
Kind Bud: Joint.
Stan: There you stand with that smug look on your face, but I know you can never get to me. Your not getting in my head. I know important people. You wanna guess who?
Kind Bud: Joint.
Stan: Yeah thats right, I know Adam Preble, the producer of the North Avenue Radio Hour.
Kind Bud: Joint.
Stan: You’ve never heard of the North Avenue Radio Hour? Where have you been? In a rock? We offer friendly, family oriented shows that focus on global events.
Kind Bud: Joint. Joint.
Stan: Well now that you mention it, it has been kind of hot around here. You want a drink of water or something. I bet your thirsty, I know I am.
(SFX: Water pouring, gulping)
Kind Bud: Joint-you.
Stan: Man, your a thirsty fellow. I think it is because it so damn hot outside. My muscles ache too. Damn heat.
Kind Bud: Jo-Joint.
Stan: Never? You have never kissed a girl in your whole life?
Kind Bud: (Sniffing) Joint JoJo Joint
Stan: There, there buddy, don’t worry, you’ll find the girl of your dreams one day. She’s out there somewhere.
Kind Bud: Joint?
Stan: You’ll just know. You will look into her eyes and know that you were meant for her and she was meant for you.
Kind Bud: Joint-you.
Stan: No problem buddy. So I was trying to come up with ideas for a script, for this show I told you about. I’m coming up with nothing.
Kind Bud: Joint Joint.
Stan: I dunno, Adam might not like a large joint as a character. (Whispering) He is a little bit of a bigot you know. (Normal talk) He goes around in his fancy pants Jeep Grand Cherokee telling jokes about how a piece of string walks into a bar and them something happens and it comes out a frayed knot. See what I am talking about? He has it out for anything made from plant products. You should hear him talk about avocados and oranges. It is just plain disgusting if you ask me.
Kind Bund: Joint Joint, Joint.
Stan: I understand dude, you don’t have to apologize to me. You have to go meet your friend W. H. Bong. Catch cha later Kind Bud.
(SFX: Door opens, closes)
Stan: That guy is alright. Now what was I going to do? Oh yeah I was going to take a walk.
(SFX: Door opens, closes. Music/Radio stops.)
(SFX: Foot steps as Stan sings)
Stan: Latie da, sing a happy song. These are a few of my favorite things. Cafe coffee bells, kittens with strudel, these are a few of my favorite… Born in the USA! Yes I was born in the… ghetto.
(Inside voice)
Stan: Woah, why does my head feel this way, why is everyone passing me by. I thought I was walking fast.
Phyllis: Oh hi, Stan. How are you doing?
Stan: What! Oh, its that lady my mom works with at the hospital.
(Outside voice)
Stan: Oh hi Phyllis, I mean Mrs. Applebee.
Phyllis: You seem awfully… happy. You having a good week?
(Inside voice)
Stan: She knows.. She knows I smoked "the pot". RUN!
(SFX: Running)
Phyllis: (Fading out) Stan where are you going in such a hurry?
(SFX: Stan breathing hard)
Stan: Glad.. (Still trying to catch breath) I got (Breathing) away from there. (Breathing) She would have told my mom I am on "the pot".
Adam: Oh, hi Stan, got around to working on that script yet?
(Outside voice)
Stan: Uhh.. I tried man, but I couldn’t come up with any ideas…
Adam: Why were you running? Why are your eyes so red.. Dude, your stoned. How much did you smoke?
Stan: Uh… The whole bag.
Adam: (Astonished) The whole bag! I told you only to try out one joint first.
Stan: I did, I used the whole bag.
Adam: How did you fit all of that in one joint?
Stan: I used notebook paper.
Adam: Must have been a killer joint, wish I could have seen that fatty.
Stan: Believe me, once you have seen one tall talking joint you have seen them all.
Adam: Uh, what?
Stan: Nevermind. Err.. I’ll have that script for you by.. woah look at my hand.
Adam: Forget it, I will come up with something for you at the last minute… Again..
(SFX: Footsteps)
Adam: (Faintly) Loser
Stan: Er what.. Whatever, at least I don’t have to write a script for that stupid show now. I couldn’t have come up with anything if I tried. Hmm.. I wonder if Matt still has those Ecstacy pills.
(SEGUE to music then to next script)